Altair n Jon
by AltairsShadow
Summary: Well its a funny story on how i met Altair and our dangerous adventures together with my best friend ReAnnon
1. Chapter 1

Altair and I: By Jon 

Disclaimer:i dont own any of the characters they all belong to Ubisoft and stuff...

Adrenaline pumped through my body as i had a blade to my throat from a fatass guard. Well maybe ill tell you how i got to this part from the very beginning.

Jon,a normal 15 yr old boy,playing Assassins Creed...we see what happens when he is fighting Al Mualim and he tries to hard...

"YOU BASTARD!",I screamed at the tv as Al Mualim had killed me again.  
"I swear i shall have revenge you old fu-",i was cut off as my baby brother walked in the room.

"JWON MOMMY SAYS ITS BED TIME!!!"

"Well mommy can suck my di-", i was cut off as my mother entered the room. "Ughh turning it off mom!" "Chhh yeah thats what i thought lil bitch,she said smugly.

"G'night mom", i said drifting off to sleep

THE NEXT DAY...

I awoke to a familiar voice..."ReAnnon"?,i asked the darkness

"Who is this ReAnnon?",a voice asked.

I awoke to a face shrouded in a white cloak. OH MY GOD YOURE...YOURE... OH SWEET JESUS ITS YOU!!!

Indeed i was looking up at the infamous Assassin, Altair. Dear Jon what is your problem?"asked a femimnine voice."REANNON LOOK ITS ALTA-" but i instantly shutup once a felt a blade to my throat.

I shall kill you quicker then lightning if you say another word..

WELL IM DONE FOR AN HOUR THEN I UPDATE MORE CHAPS YAY


	2. Chapter 2

Hey again its me again time to make at least 4 more chaps...hopefully

Disclaimer:i do not own Assassins Creed or any of its characters so yeah cant sue...please dont try it..

I suddenly realized he had let me go...

"Altair its you...the master of stealth and death an-",i was saying before i watched him whack ReAnnon upside the head to knock her out "YOUR GOIN DOWN ASSHOLE NOBODY HITS REANNON!"

I charged at him full speed kicking his short blade from his back and grabbing it off the ground it one sweep..but Altair was quick so he pulled his sword out and swung at me but luckily i blocked and parried leaving a small cut on his cheek and roundhousing him. WOW IM WHOOPIN ALTAIRS ASS OH YE-i was cut short as i was whacked upside the head and fell into unconciousness...

I awoke to an old man starin at my form...Al Mualim.  
I saw Altair talking to Al Mualim about me and ReAnnon so i decided to stay low... i was gonna save the whole Holy land by assassinating Al Mualim once and for all..I still had Altairs short blade...I jumped up when Al Mualims back was turned and i was completely tackled to the ground by Altair..He pulled me up to face the old man..

"Young child...i shall give you one chance for redemption for the heinous act of Assault of a fellow Assassin in our way of pe-", he started when i cut him off."You... "I know your attentions you traitor",i started but a sword was placed to my neck.

"Disrespectful child choose your words wisely now do you wish to repent for your heinous crimes?",the old man asked his patience wearing thin. I glared at him but nodded yes. "Good well you may keep that weapon for Altair has no need for it now your twos next target is the 3rd man on your list Altair"

I played with the short blade using attacks on the air i never knew i could do while Altair nodded and grabbed my arm and we headed to jerusalem.

Well i got lots more chapters to go lol so ill stop for 10 min then write more so enjoy so far and please review with a couple of ideas...i might even pair me and ReAnnon up or it could be ReAnnon and Altair... Oh yeah to give you a descript of ReAnnon blonde cutie all im sayin... 


	3. Chapter 3

OK IM GONNA BRING ALOT OF COMEDY IN THIS ONE SO YEAH...

Disclaimer: Dont own Assassins Creed and anything else in this story so yeah...

"Altair, i'm hungry!",i complained. Well then maybe you should not of ate ALL OF OUR DAMN FOOD AT MASYAF YOU LITTLE HOMO BASTA-,Altair started but some guy cut him off. "Hey grumpy pants calm down you look like you need a hug",said the obviously homosexual midget who was to our left.

"I'm not a very huggable person",replied Altair with growing impatience. "A massage then?" "NO" "How about a kiss?" "Are you flirting with me?",asked Altair. "Now whatever gave you that idea?",asked the gay man. "You're just being a little forward is all.",replied Altair. "Well how about i cover your naked body in whipped cream and lick it off?" "THERE SEE YOURE DOING IT AGAIN!",stated Altair in a loud voice. "Doing what?" "...Nevermind",replied Altair in a defeated voice.

"OH MY GOD DUDE HE'S HITTING ON YOU", i screamed and i started pissin myself laughing. People began to watch. "Well lets go make sweet monkey love",the man whispered in Altairs ear. "You know what dude im gonna do you a favor", i stated and stabbed the man and all the bystanders watching in about 60 seconds. "THANK YOU",said Altair in an exasperated voice. "Dude dont mention it", i responded. A guard saw me a called me an infidel and attacked me. As Altair was gonna eliminate the guard i jumped into action and ran at the guard and jumped in the air. He missed me with his sword by a few inches and i suddenly lsahsed his head off. "HA BEAT THAT ALTAIR",i screamed a pissed in the guards blood. Altair just stared at me and called me a psychopath.

I KNOW CHAPS ARE SHORT BUT I GOT A HEAD ACHE SO SHUT THE UP...oh yeah review or you'll get worse then that guard did! 


	4. Chapter 4

WELL I SHALL ADD THE PLAYFUL FUNNESS NOW MWAHAHA

Disclaimer: dont own assassins creed so yeah

Altair just stared at me as i was confronted by 6 beggars asking him for money."LEAVE ME ALONE OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WI-",screamed Jon til he was cut off."Please sir can you spare some coins"  
"FUCK OFF HOES I SWEAR I WILL MAKE MINCE MEATOUT OF YOU!",yelled Jon. The women saw my weapon and ran off to be money grubbin hoes. "MAN I AM PUMPED I NEED A FIGHT",screamed Jon. All of a sudden i was pushed on his ass by some retarded drunk dude.

"I...WILL...KILL...YOU",i screamed as he started slicing the guys limbs off. Altair just hid in the corner very freaked out by Jon's demeanor. "You know if you would be a man and just find your target and stab his ass you'd be done with this by now",i stated covered in blood.  
"Well im not a fucking psychopathic kid!!",screamed Altair. "Watch your bleeping language you bleep" i screamed. "What was that?",asked Altair

"What was what",asked Jon. "That bleep noise",replied Altair. "Oh thats to make sure i dont get in trouble by people who watch this", i replied. "You know what i dont want to know", replied Altair. "Well fine if you dont want to know", i replied. So we moved on to the bureau. Malik was there and as we all know he hates Altair so he flipped him off. "AWW WAZUP MALIK", i replied and gave him a brotherly hug.

"JON WAZUP MAN I AINT SEEN YOU IN FOREVER", replied Malik very pleased to see me. Altair just stared... "Man me and Malik go way back... flash back

"Hi Mr wanna be friends"?,asked 5 yr old Jon. "Sure", said 10 yr old Malik...

WELL THATS ALL FOR A MINUTE ill be back...REVIEW OR ILL RIP OFF YOUR SEXUAL ORGANS...not really... 


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: dont own it shit how many times i got to say it??

"There he is", said Altair, sneaking up on him. YO FATASS, i screamed. All the guards started chasing after us. Altair smacked his forhead and ran. "Oh cmon you stupid wussy lets kick their asses", i screamed. Altair yelled fuck you and jumped in a hay cart. "Pssh yo mama", i retorted. "What was that", asked Altair. Ugghhh LOOK ITS OSAMA...yea thats what i said." Altair stared then asked "Who the fuck is Osama." He didnt get an answer cuz i was stabbin the SHIT outta 4038574 guards. Altair got out to help but i gave him the finger and got out my own little weapon. "SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!",i screamed and pulled and an ak-47. All the guards started laughing because it wasnt sharp.

(FIVE MINUTES LATER)

All the guards lay dead on the floor..."DONT YOU EVER FUCKIN DISS MY BABY',i screamed hugging my PRECIOUSSSS. Altair sat there in awe. "Want a piece?", i asked. Altair nodded. I handed him a baretta 9mm. He stared at it. "You pull the trigger...like this" , i said pulling the trigger accidentally shooting the target in the face. "Oh...shit...well that takes care of that", i said doing my anime sweatdrop. Altair fainted, and guards came and broke my gun. I turn demon I WILL KILL YOU ALL FOR I AM THE IMMORTAL GOD, DEVOUR OF SOULS, AND HELLS ONE FEAR...I AM... "Kungfu action jesus?", asked one of the guards. NO FOOL NOW YOU SHALL FALL VICTIM TO MY INTERNAL DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM, i screamed. The guard suddenly burst into black flames. All the guards ran away. MWAHAHAHAAHA. Suddenly a guard came up to me. What's up little buddy, did you lose your mommy. I ...WILL...KILL...YOU...,i yelled. He started bursting into flames. OH GOD SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP MEEEEEE, he screamed like a wuss. Keh, i said copying Inuyasha catchphrase and watching Altair wake up. He stabbed me in the arm. "DUDE WHAT THE HELL!!" i screamed in pain. "STOP DEFYING THE LAWS OF GOD,"screamed Altair. I passed out from blood loss but not before saying "You suck monkey balls". I woke up and ReAnnon was holding me. Where am i, who are you?, i asked dazed. Well youre in masy- Pussy galore you say? I must be in Heaven, i said. "YOU WILL BE IN A SECOND, screamed ReAnnon. (WOOT FOR TEH ABRIDGED) 


End file.
